Simone Biles Feels Afraid?

As a child I was an avid gymnast. In fact, I was obsessed with the sport. My bedroom decor was gymnastics in theme, the best day of the month was when my International Gymnast magazine arrived, and from 11-13 years of age, I went to school part time to accommodate my training schedule. I was in the gym 28 hours a week. 

The sport was my whole life. But as I advanced, it got scary, my Yurchenko vault in particular. I was terrified of that vault. There was limited room for error to get your hand placement right as you did a round-off onto the springboard, reached blindly backwards towards the vault and pushed off to do one and a half flips to land on your feet. I missed my hands regularly and I knew - if I miss my hands and still go for the rotations, I will land on my head and potentially break my neck. 

At the provincial championships one year, I “balked”. I did not complete the flips off the vault. I scored a zero. I did a good second vault but the scores were averaged and so I was left with an overall score of 4.5. I performed my best in the other three rotations, coming second on the balance beam (my favorite apparatus) but placing last overall. My coach was furious, and meanwhile, I was just a scared 12 year-old that didn’t want to end up paralyzed. 

I always felt weak, or that I didn’t have what it takes, because of this fear. I convinced myself that I could never be a top gymnast because I was afraid. And at the age of 14, I quit gymnastics.

Despite not having done gymnastics for over two decades, I still love the sport. I watch it religiously at the Olympics and catch the world championships whenever I can. Recently, the world of gymnastics got even more exciting when Simone Biles came onto the scene. 

Watching her documentary, I had a realization. Biles talks about her vault, the Yurchenko double pike (the same vault I used to do but with one additional rotation - crazy). She admits she finds the vault TERRIFYING and says that “she’s just trying not to die out there”. 

Wait a minute - Simone Biles feels scared!? This shook my world view. Simone Biles is, without a doubt, not weak. And she, without a doubt, has what it takes. So that must mean that fear is not an indicator of weakness or capability. That must mean that I’m not weak, and that I might have what it takes, in spite of my fear. 

I’ve been allowing this realization to sink in. It fills me with relief, but also sadness for the little girl inside of me that felt weak and not good enough. And this popular phrase comes to mind. 

“Courage isn’t about not being afraid. It’s about being afraid and doing it anyway”.

It makes me think of all the times I have been courageous without giving myself any credit. And so now it’s time to give credit where it is due, and honor the courage inside of me. 

What are you honoring in yourself?